Before they even start, Willis “Buddy” Hendrix informs everyone: “I already got to go to the bathroom.”

First question is why are you running for mayor? Good way to narrow it down.

Valerie Abbott: Knows neighborhood problems from her experience in politics. Experience in private sector.

William Bell: Birmingham has gone down the wrong track. Passion and love for this city will bring about a change. (the Passion of the Bell?) We’ve alienated people in neighborhoods. Share the wealth.

Ray Brook: Former fire chief. Chose bham to be his home. Lacking leadership. Traditional politics needs to go away. To build bridges. (Machine gun of clichés, only misses “the children are our future.”)

Patrick Cooper: Father a two-star general. Flunked out of Yale, dug ditches with po’ folks until he went back and finished school. Went to law school. Promises 40 percent crime reduction in two years. College for everybody.

Willis Hendrix: “I’m also known as Mickey Mouse.” Entertainer, but not much here to entertain. Did he just say something about the Northwest Passage? WWII veteran. “I’m going to help the people of Birmingham if you elect me governor.”

Bernard Kincaid: Thanks everyone for letting him be the good steward. Says that the glass is half full, doesn’t say full of what. Looking forward to honest progress. Steady growth.

Larry Langford: “I’m running for mayor of Birmingham because Birmingham needs a crazy man to run this city.” Says that all you need to get rid of a drug house is a cop with an M-16. “We’re the dream killers.”

Daryl Perry: Says he’s not for a domed stadium. Wants everyone to make all decisions by public referendum.

Carole Smitherman: “We don’t need any more plans. We need solutions.” Transit: “I didn’t even own a car until Roger bought me one.”

Barry Taylor: “I fear that I am the best man to lead this city.” Loves city. Loves people. Even loves bugs and flees. Going to make sure that kids get “intensified education.”

First personal question goes to Barry Taylor: Whatcha gonna do about crime?

Taylor: Says he will stay in contact with police chief. Know what’s going on in neighborhoods. Next, solve the drug problem. Next, have a liaison for every department, (guess department heads don’t cut it?).

Carole Smitherman: Got an illegal gun, get caught, go to jail. Take down drug houses. Enforce curfews. Better lighting in the community.

Daryl Perry: Need to enforce the laws. Go to where the copper thieves are selling the copper. Supports every persons right to own a gun.

Langford: “You can hire a million cops and it’s not going to stop me from killing you.” Says that education is the key.

Kincaid: Says that crime is not running rampant. Crime is down. Most murders acquaintance murders. Wants to take federal Weed & Seed program city wide.

Willis Hendrix: Reminds everyone that he is a Boy Scout leader and a stage hand in the theater. Says we’ve got some bad laws in Birmingham, and that he’s a criminal lawyer, too.

Cooper: New York (read Giuliani) style. Goes through his 6-point plan.

Brooks: Crime is a problem everywhere. Need a strong police presence.

Bell: “I have a one-point crime plan: We’re going to run the thugs out of Birmingham.” Give the police the support they need to knock heads.

Abbott: Would have a two-pronged approach. Prevention: dealing with poverty and drugs. Short term: Need to have a chief that is allowed to do her own job. Would fire the chief if she couldn’t meet her own goals.

Next question: How you going to fix the schools?

Bell takes credit for building the ones we’ve got. Says he will make any sacrifice (human?). Hendrix says there’s “too much domination.” Kincaid: School board set the policy. The city needs to “stay in its lane.” “More personally, I have a daughter in public schools.” Langford: never should have had an elected school board to begin with. “And then go back and give your teachers the right to knock your kids out.” BEAT THE KIDS, AGAIN!!! Perry: No accountability. Teachers get $2 million for travel, for all we know they go on whale-watching tours. Smitherman: It’s already wrecked. The solution is not to have physical violence. Says the real problem is sixth, seventh and eighth grade, when parents yank their kids out. Taylor: Equitable funding. Intensify education.

Next question: What you going to do about business?

Taylor: ??? Smitherman: Wants to make the airport more productive. I don’t want to read in the paper that a business is gone. Going to put a sign at the city limits that says “Open for Business.” Perry: Need to create a level playing field for all businesses, stop giving new businesses incentives. Langford: Permanent funding for mass transit, so people can get to the jobs. Kincaid: Bham is open for business and doing well. Taxes growing, more new business licenses. Hendrix: “I was a vocational coordinator …” Need to be more like Shelby County and China. Cooper: Says that business climate here has a reputation for being hostile. City Hall doesn’t return Charles Barkley’s phone calls. Going to create a real Redevelopment Authority. Brooks: Utilize existing business. Bell: Hears Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumb. (Read: Langford and Kincaid). Both driving business off. Abbott: Must build on UAB, biggest employer in Alabama.

Closing statements: What you will accomplish in first 100 days?

Abbott: Hire a city manager. Would establish HOPE office, to help 26 percent of households that are earning less than $15,000 per year. Bell: Convene all the top CEOs. Demand that Police clean streets. Expect state and BOE to educate children. Develop a transportation plan from inside out. Get Hoover, Vestavia, others to pay for it. Brooks: Unity in government, working together with legislature. Cooper: Says other candidates suck because they’ve been there too long. Meet with police chief. Make city safe. Hendrix: Holds up a copy of the Constitution. Direct quote but don’t quite understand it: “Look here damnit, we want it done.” Kincaid: Two tracks. Reestablish relationship with city council. Will shift focus from downtown to the neighborhoods. Citywide master plan. Langford: Will hire Hendrix for his attitude. Will come up with funding for dome stadium, transit, education. Perry: Dome referendum. Would institute instant runoff voting. Smitherman: Convene city employees for better customer service. Stop the crime. Can’t have anything else if we have a crime problem. No time for on-the-job training. Taylor: Reevaluate department heads. Let citizens decide who to keep and who to fire.