Cowards call for Cahaba County

Hope, St. Augustine said, has two beautiful daughters – anger and courage. That is to be angry with the way things are and to have courage enough to change them.

If he was right, then I fear Jefferson County has only half a hope.

Last week Hoover Mayor Tony Petelos spoke out loud an idea that lots of others have been entertaining ever since the highway department cut gaps in Red Mountain – Over the Mountain secession. When I first heard of Petelos’ drivel dribble, I gave it as little thought as he must have, but by the end of the week the idea already had a name – Cahaba County. I watched a local newscast dedicate at least 30 seconds to the notion, which by Larry Langford standards means it’s practically a done deal.

Several cities, including Hoover, Homewood, Vestavia Hills and Mountain Brook would sever themselves from Jefferson County into this new entity – one of the whitest (if you don’t count the Latinos) and richest counties in the state. Jefferson County would be turned into the poorest, and the final project of white flight would be complete – Birmingham would at last be a ghetto in every sense of the word.

The reason I was so dismissive of Cahaba County at first was that I didn’t want to take seriously the idea that there are people taking this idea seriously. Really? Cahaba County? Did anyone give any thought to this at all?

People are angry, hence half of a hope. The frustration with Jefferson County politics is understandable. Let us count the ways.

 The county commission is ruled by a coalition that has done nothing to move the sewer debt crisis toward a resolution.

No matter if they’ve been fired, the same architects who created the county’s debt crisis keep showing up to “fix” the problem.

The county has yet to produce audited financial statements for 2007 and 2008, without which it can neither refinance its debt nor enter bankruptcy.

The governor is supposed to be the county’s proxy when dealing with Wall Street, but when asked what had been accomplished he could merely say that the county hadn’t yet been bankrupted. What’s more, the governor has climbed back on his favorite Jefferson County hobbyhorse – blaming a three-to-two split on the commission for impeding his ostensible efforts to help the county. Gov. Riley likes to browbeat Jefferson County for working at cross-purposes. He demands unanimity from the commission and lectures city and county leaders for not being “on the same page.” If the governor applied the same standard to his efforts in the Alabama Legislature he’d never get one bill of substance passed. Ultimately it’s an excuse, and Jefferson County residents are right to be tired of it. The governor has the commission majority on his side. What more does he need? A lollypop, a maybe a few more suckers?

The political feedback loop is broken. Residents think government isn’t listening to them, and they’re probably right about that. The county commission no longer has the consent of the governed. A populist revolt would be a nice change of pace.

But this is where the Cahaba separatists and I go our separate ways. There are moral issues at stake hear, but I’ll set those aside for a moment. The practical issues are enough to wreck Cahaba County.

Legally, secession would require an act of the Alabama Legislature. That’s not going to happen. The bill would never make it out of committee, much less to a vote on the floor. But even if it did and it passed, what would the new Cahaba County do with itself? Or more importantly, what would Cahaba County do with its … um … shit?

In Jefferson County, keeping our shit together is more than a vulgar figure of speech. It’s the subject of a federal court-ordered consent decree. Supposing Cahaba County succeeded at seceding, they’d still need Jefferson County sewers. Maybe in Mountain Brook their shit really doesn’t stink, but they’ll have to get their plastic surgeons to stitch their sphincters shut because they won’t have anywhere to put it. The Ft. Sumter of this civil war is right next to the bathroom sink.

Obviously, anyone thinking of secession needs to spend more time thinking, and their first point to ponder should be what this whole thing really says about them and their role in the Jefferson County fiasco.

After all, wasn’t it Commissioner Gary White, the Republican from Homewood, who oversaw the sewer department from 2002 until 2006? And if Homewood secedes, will it pay back the real cost of Gary White’s white envelopes full of cash?

And before any Over the Mountain separatists point fingers at Larry Langford, perhaps they should walk a mile in Commissioner Mary Buckelew’s Ferragamo shoes. The bond dealer Bill Blount bought those shoes for her but Jefferson County’s still paying for them.

In fact, two of the three members of the Jefferson County Finance Committee that approved these rotten debt deals came from the very districts that supposedly want to break away form the county. If Cahaba County does secede, could it pay for the mess it helped create?

Of course I’m being silly. If we could tax corruption we would have paid off Jefferson County’s debt a long time ago. If there really were the political cohesion here to form a new county, we would have what it takes to handle the county we’ve already got.

The noise about Cahaba County – that’s all it is. Noise. A bunch of squawking on talk radio and venting on Internet bulletin boards by people who never set foot in the county courthouse much less had the nerve to stare down the commissioners they supposedly loathe. They have the anger it takes to change Jefferson County, but not the courage. They’re cowards who run away from a fight. They always have. And with them, they take the one thing the rest of us need – hope.