Dear J’Mel

   How fortunate and blessed it is today to write to you. I am writing because I have a terrible situation. I am Prince Aweemaway of a country in a small place in Africa. The bad men have forced me from my throne and have exiled me to be on the run. Right now, I am hiding but I think that you can help me. Since I am a prince I am very rich so I have monies in various banks. Only, since I have been exiled, I cannot access these monies. 

J'Mel Davidson

This is where God has blessed me to ask for your help. I need to get these monies so that I can escape and be free from the death that will find me if my enemies find me. I can give you the account number for one of these accounts. You will need to deposit $2000 of your own monies into the account to prove that it is your account, not mine. Then I can use your name to the account and get the monies and to thank you and bless you for helping me, I will repay you $200,000 instead of the $2000 you originally gave me. Please help me blessed child of God.

     Act soon! Praise and thank God for you!

     Account number: 13265456670 National Bank Britannia

Dear Prince Aweemaway,

     Wow. I have to say that I am flattered. Actually, I am honored. Your life and the future of your country are in my hands. I cannot begin to thank you for choosing me to help you. I think I can really help you to turn things around over there in Africa. What is the name of your country? Were you a kind ruler, or did you rule with an iron fist? I think you have to be a little of both. You have to be a good guy, but you can’t be soft. The subjects start to think that they can walk over you if you’re soft. And I’m not saying you should be an ass — I’m just saying that if you don’t let them know who’s in charge, then, well, you may be exiled.

     Anyway, I have to go to work. Talk at you later. Hang in there, brother. Thanks for writing! 

Dear J’Mel

     Thank you for your response to my plea. I believe that God has made it so that we can be blessed together and you can help me in this situation. But I am still in needing of the monies that we talked about in the first letter that I sent to you in praise and in the name of the lord. If you need to know again, the account number is 13265456670 with the National Bank of Britannia. If you can send the monies that we talked about then I can be free from the enemies and I can pay you $200,000. Thank you again and please hurry! 

Dear Prince Aweemaway,

     Did you ever wear an actual iron mask? A big metal mask to cover the scars you received during some strange conflict or scientific accident? If you had, perhaps you could have instilled the proper amount of fear into your followers. Have you ever heard of Victor Von Doom? He was better known as Dr. Doom, and he ruled his people well, but he took no shit, sir. The power to do this was given to him by his mask. Sure, he was a master of science and warfare and he was incredibly wealthy, but his power was personified by the metal mask. The mask, Aweemaway. You should have had a mask. But you didn’t so, forgive me for saying it, but your exile was sort of your fault for not stepping up.

Dear J’Mel, 

    Thank you again for answering my letter. I am glad that you answered and that you have concerns about my rule. But you are wrong about two things. One, I was a good leader and there were no fears of me by my people and they were happy with me and I had to use no iron fist or methods. Two, Dr. Doom was not a great leader. He was a maniac and a vain mad man. His people didn’t fall into line because he was a stern but fair leader. His people fell into line because they knew that they were always one step away from death! Doom thought nothing of killing his people for the smallest disagreement over his rule or launching wave after wave of them into battle with the Fantastic Four. They were in line because their only other choice was death. Doom ruled through fear of death. Do you truly admire this method, my brother in God and Christ? If so, then I pray for you day after day. Either way, I need the monies. Account number 13265456670. Cut bullshit please and send monies. Amen.

Dear Prince,

     Well, perhaps I was wrong — about you, not Doom. Doom’s people may have feared him, but they loved him as well… as one might fear and respect their own parents. They were happy in Latveria under his rule. Once, the Fantastic Four tried to “liberate” them from Doom, and the people revolted! They wanted their leader back! Why? Because under Doom they were safe from any outside insurrection! Under Doom, they were proud Latverian people! That stupid Fantastic Four. I hate them. And think I hate you. You just don’t get it. This is why you’re exiled and you don’t have any monies. You are a terrible prince. There, I said it. Don’t like it? What are you gonna do? Exile me? Ha! You suck. That’s why I can not give you $2,000. If you were a real man, you’d come and take it. 

Stories by J’Mel Davidson appear in every issue of Birmingham Weekly. Write to jmel@bhamweekly.com