In Canada, retailers have come together, right now, over green. More specifically, 18 retailers have joined forces to encourage you to consume better-ish, or something.
OK, this is what’s really going on. There’s this rewards program called AIR Miles that has existed in Canada for years, and is very much like your credit card’s reward system. And now they’re offering BONUS AIR Miles for buying products from companies that AIR Miles has designated as green, or something. And that program is called My Planet.

We got a press release about this, and it was so well done that for just a second I thought there was some substance to this story. But there’s really not.

Do you know what criteria AIR Miles uses to decide what companies get to give My Planet BONUS points? They probably don’t either. They outsourced that to a company called TerraChoice, “experts in validating environmental leadership.”

Navigating to the page which tells you why select products were chosen for BONUS points (I don’t think that’s an acronym, but it’s capitalized everywhere, so just roll with me here) takes a lot of patience, but when you finally find the little link that says “Selection guidelines,” it’s rewarding. Aside from a page title and the boilerplate “experts” statement about TerraChoice, this is what pops up when click on the “Selection guidelines” link for an offer of 25 BONUS miles from American Express for switching to paperless billing:

“Products that conserve natural resources: Paperless statement opt-in.”

Hell of an evaluation, TerraChoice. Actually, hell of a job. I have no idea how much the AIR Miles program paid TerraChoice to “evaluate” American Express based on their “criteria,” but I would bet they spent a pretty penny. And I would love to have that job.

Let’s take a look at some other options for BONUS miles. Here’s one for CO-OP Country Stores. Do you know why shopping at CO-OP Country Stores gets you My Planet BONUS miles? Because they sell “products powered by sustainable energy (solar, crank),” clothes lines, “third-party certified organic animal feed” and “energy-free water bowls.” What the hell is an energy-free water bowl? Christ. I’m starting to think this criterion is total bullshit.

So you get BONUS miles for shopping at places that do something or sell something that’s slightly greener than other things. Good. Great. Fantastic. Then for 1,000 miles (that’s a metric shit ton of shopping — they use the metric system in Canada), you can get a Black & Decker power monitor. Or, for just 895 miles, you can get a tour of Toronto in the “Helicopter Company’s modern jet helicopter.” Holy crap. Uh, a device that allows me to watch my money tick away while my dishwasher’s running for 1,000, or a ride in a damned helicopter for 895? My tray table is in the upright and locked position, captain.

Which one is better for the environment? I’m no expert in “validating environmental leadership,” but my money ain’t on the damned jet helicopter ride.

For 6,000 points, you can have someone fly to the artic where a Native Canadian guide will show you how to hunt polar bears with bombs made from aerosol cans.

Okay, that last one isn’t real, but it might as well be.

I’ve seen green-washing before, but this is one of the more pathetic attempts ever, AIR Miles. Shame on you. If you’re not even going to try and make it seem like you give a shit, then please keep your press releases to yourself.