Dear Alabama RB Mark Ingram,
Congratulations on winning the 75th Heisman Trophy.
Consider the history of Alabama football and know that out of an all-time roster that includes the likes of Harry Gilmer, Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Kenny Stabler, Tony Nathan, Bobby Humphrey, Derrick Thomas, David Palmer and Shawn Alexander, you are the only Tide player that's ever had their name etched onto that statue.
Not only have you scratched "Downtown Athletic Club" off of every Alabama fan's enemies list, but you also gave your beleaguered hometown of Flint, Mich., a brief and joyful diversion from dismal reality.
Congratulations once again, don't let it all go to your head.
Dear Alabama QB Greg McElroy and RB Trent Richardson,
By now you're aware that your teammate Mark Ingram has won the 2009 Heisman Trophy. Perhaps you are also aware that Heisman trophy winners generally do not fare well in the national championship game. Chris Weinke, Eric Crouch, Jason White, Reggie Bush, Troy Smith and Sam Bradford all won Heismans this decade and wound up losing the title game weeks later. It would probably be best to assume that Mark will not be his usually dominant self on Jan. 7. Prepare accordingly.
My best to the Nicktator,
Dear Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin,
Congratulations on becoming bowl eligible in your first season at Tennessee.
Couldn't help overhearing that the NCAA is opening up an official investigation into your recruiting practices and that - I hope I heard this right - you take that as a "compliment" to your program?
Some advice...get on the horn and call the sports information department at Southern Methodist University. Their number is 214-768-2883. Ask the football SID what the Mustangs' overall won-loss record was during the 1987 and 1988 seasons?
Wait, let me save you a quarter. I know what they are: 0-0 in 1987, 0-0 in 1988. You wanna know why?
BECAUSE THE NCAA SHUT DOWN THEIR ENTIRE DAMN FOOTBALL PROGRAM, THAT'S WHY! DEATH PENALTY! SCORCHED EARTH! THE NCAA SNOOPING AROUND YOUR PROGRAM IS NOT A COMPLIMENT TO YOUR RECRUITING PROWESS, JACKASS! IT'S A SERIOUS THREAT TO YOUR FUTURE AS A HEAD COACH AND TO YOUR PROGRAM'S VIABILITY IN THE NEAR FUTURE AND BEYOND!
Since it appears you are struggling with the compliment concept, I've put together a short list for you to review.
• My wife told me, "I like your orange windbreaker." (Compliment)
• My wife told me, "I think we should start seeing other people." (Not a compliment)
• My doctor told me, "You're doing a terrific job managing your diet." (Compliment)
• My doctor told me, "You need a full rectal examination." (Not a compliment)
See, it's not that hard. You just keep practicing and I'm sure that you'll improve with time. Good luck with the NCAA.
Regards to your father,
Dear Tiger Woods,
I'm not here to give you marriage advice. I'm 25 years old and divorced; that puts me in the bottom-tenth of people qualified to give you advice on maintaining a successful marriage.
I don't want to know how many women you cheated on Elin with and I don't care. It's none of my business. Really, it's nobody's business but your own.
I know that you have no shortage of publicists and public relations hacks at your disposal, telling you what to do and mitigating the damage you've done to your image.
Just know that there are two steadfast rules of public relations: Be truthful and stay ahead of your own story. I'm in no position to grade you on the former, but you are doing a lousy job on the latter. Be a man, quit hiding and face the music. Stop communicating exclusively through carefully-worded press releases on your web site. Get in front of the camera, tell us you're sorry and move on. Americans are always suckers for that dog-and-pony show.
Dear Little Caesars Bowl,
There can be only one Pizza Bowl and we were here first.
Sorry you have to play in Detroit,
Dear International Bowl,
Please stop having your bowl game. The only thing sadder than watching South Florida play Northern Illinois in front of an empty stadium in Toronto is that scene in "The Green Mile" when the guy stomps on the mouse.
Football is for Americans,
You think you're fooling us with that TCU-Boise State match-up in the Fiesta Bowl don't you? "Who's the best Cinderella story?", my foot. You'd hate to see another repeat of last year's Sugar Bowl, wouldn't you? Hate to see TCU take down Florida, or watch Boise manhandle Georgia Tech? That wouldn't help your little "BCS vs. non-BCS conference" argument, would it? That would turn "conventional wisdom" on its ear, wouldn't it?
I'm on to you,
Dear Auburn trustees,
You're spending a lot of money to upgrade your basketball facilities, wouldn't now be the right time to upgrade your coaching staff?
5-4? Really? With that non-conference schedule? Just how much longer are you going to entertain Jeff Lebo and his bottomless bag of excuses?
Oh, but Matt! We're dealing with injuries, we don't have any scholarship depth, we don't have any big men, etc. Don't you think it's possible that Jeff Lebo making excuses for Jeff Lebo's poor coaching? Just a thought...
Dear New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton,
Your Saints are (as of my deadline) 13-0 and in decent position to run the table in the regular season - a rather noteworthy feat, should you be able to pull it off. Congratulations! The city of New Orleans deserves a winner and you've delivered.
Moreover, you were recently named the lead plaintiff in a case against Knauf Plasterboard Tainjin Co., a Chinese drywall manufacturer that has allegedly flooded the post-Katrina market with product that has been emitting high levels of hydrogen-sulfide gas, which corrodes electronics and makes people sick. You've not only given football fans in the hurricane-ravaged Bayou a reason to hope, but you're also leading the fight against shoddy re-building materials. You sir...you're one of the good ones!
Merry Christmas and Go Saints!