Two friends, Franky and Marty, are sitting at a restaurant.
FRANKY – Thanks for meeting me here for lunch.
MARTY – Sure! It was great to hear from you. I hadn’t spoken to you since… how long has it been?
FRANKY – Too long.
They both laugh.
FRANKY – Where is that waiter? I could eat a baby’s ass through a park bench.
MARTY – Here he is—Wait, what did you say?
FRANKY – A baby’s ass would seem edible to me here, now, in my current state of unimaginable hunger.
MARTY – That’s what I thought you meant.
Waiter enters. He is wearing glasses and a scarf and doesn’t seem happy to be there.
HARRY – Welcome to Ruby Tuesday. Will you be enjoying our salad bar today? We have seven types of croutons.
FRANKY – Seven types. No thank you. I’ll have the Three Mile Island Wings and a side of collard greens.
MARTY – I’ll have the bucket of deep-fried whole onions and a coke.
HARRY – Anything to drink?
FRANKY – No thank you.
MARTY – A coke.
Harry sighs and leaves.
FRANKY – Hey. You notice something about that waiter?
MARTY – He smells like a porno theatre.
FRANKY – Besides that. He look familiar to you at all? The glasses, the scarf.
MARTY – What? Noooo. You’re crazy!
FRANKY – I don’t think so! I think it’s him! I know it’s him!
MARTY – Shhhhh. Here he comes.
Harry returns with two plates of jellybeans.
HARRY – Here you go. Will there be anything else?
FRANKY – Yeah, I think I recognize you from somewhere. Have we ever met?
HARRY – Never saw you before, buddy. Enjoy your meal.
MARTY - I’m sorry about my friend here, but he thinks you look like… Harry Potter.
HARRY – Oh! You got me. I’m wearing glasses and a scarf; I must be a fictional character from a series of overwritten children’s books. You’re embarrassing us both, mister.
FRANKY – I didn’t mean to offend you. I apologize.
HARRY – I mean, this job is hard enough without all this.
FRANKY – I’m really sorry! Look, when we’re done here, I’m leaving you a $10— no, a $20 tip.
HARRY – I don’t want your charity.
FRANKY – It’s not charity, it’s an apology and a thanks for a job well done. I’m not even going to complain about how much you smell or that you brought us the wrong meals.
HARRY – What did you say?
FRANKY – What? What did I say?
HARRY – I brought you the wrong food? Is that what you think?
FRANKY –Well, I did order wings.
MARTY – And I recall requesting an onion...
HARRY – Taste the jellybeans.
FRANKY – I don’t want to.
HARRY – Taste the beans.
FRANKY – No!
MARTY – Franky, just taste the beans.
FRANKY – I don’t want to. I’m hypoglycemic! You know that!
HARRY – Taste em’!
FRANKY – No! Please don’t make me!
Harry forces handful after handful of beans into Franky’s mouth.
HARRY – Eat the beans! Eat the beans! Eat them! Eat! Eat the beans! Eat beans! Beans!
Franky struggles at first, but eventually stops.
FRANKY – Wait! Wait! They taste like… Three Mile Island Wings! Delicious and spicy wings!
HARRY – See?
Marty eats some beans.
MARTY – Oh my God! Deep fried onion!
HARRY – Try the yellow one.
MARTY – Special dipping sauce!? This is amazing!
HARRY – At Bert Bott’s chain restaurant everything is beans. There’s a bean for every dish on the menu.
FRANKY – Wow. Hey, listen. I’m sorry about all that before.
HARRY – No problem. And hey, you were right. It’s me, Harry Potter.
MARTY – I knew it!
HARRY – Shhhh!
MARTY (Whispering) — I knew it!
FRANKY – God, man. You were one of the most powerful wizards ever! How did you end up working at a Ruby Tuesday?
HARRY – It’s a long story—evil wizards, deadly secrets, powerful magic and a tragic addiction to Brazilian she-males. Maybe you should check out the books Harry Potter and the Paternity Suit of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Statutory Hand Job, and Harry Potter Tosses Salads Both Literally And Figuratively.
FRANKY – Youch!
HARRY – Yeah. Youch.
MARTY – I’m sorry, Harry. Sounds like you’ve had a rough go of it.
HARRY – Long story short? Yeah. Guess what? If I had to do it over again, I would, she-males and all. Know why? I’m Harry Potter. I kick ass, take names, do magic and kiss dames! What!?
Harry waits for a high five that never comes.
FRANKY – So... are we ever gonna get that drink?
HARRY – Sorry, sorry.
He runs from the stage. A few seconds later he returns.
HARRY – That was a coke, right?
MARTY – Goddammit!
FRANKY – Yes, a coke! Jesus!
Harry leaves again.
J’mel Davidson’s stories appear each week in Birmingham Weekly. Write to email@example.com.