This trip was no different: There was a couple having some sort of Spanish domestic dispute while they used their outside voices. Of course, they were directly behind me. Iím beginning to think this is happening on purpose. The phrase ďSilencio in el cinema!Ē didnít occur to me until I was in the parking lot. Dios mio!
Enough about that, though.
Book of Eli is the new flick by the Hughes Brothers. Some other flicks they have co-directed are Menace to Society and Dead Presidents. If you havenít seen these films it means that you are white. I forgive you, but stop Tweeting about FarmVille and add these flicks to your queue.
Now, move them to the top of the &^%$ queue!!
If youíre black, then you bought terrible bootlegged copies at the salon or barbershop because you donít like going to the movies, and it costs too much and you use that money to get your nails did/done. Stop that. Youíre embarrassing all of us!
The Book of Eli is a flick about life after the end of the world, the terrible people that exist there and the attempt by good people and bad people to use a certain set of sacred ideas to move civilization in completely opposite directions. Thatís all Iím willing to say about the plot. I donít like to give away too much of films I actually enjoy.
For instance, when I see Sex and the City 2, the Squeakuel I intend to spill alllllll of that filmís intricate secrets and clever word play right here in the back of the paper. Iíll do this without warning you of ďspoilers,Ē and Iíll do it while coming up with new and exciting ways to call all of the actresses in the film UGLY.
Perhaps Iíll see it on a Wednesday afternoon. That way I can live Tweet about it and there wonít be anyone around to disturb. I mean, I may be an ass but Iím not a &#@%ing ass!
But with Eli, no such luck. I really liked it, so I canít give anything away. Sorry.
I can talk about how excited seeing a good ass-whipping or gun battle still makes me feel. There is something to be said for good, old-fashioned movie violence. I donít mean the stuff from the Saw or Hostel filmsóor ďTorture Porn,Ē as critics so ďcleverlyĒ call it.
I mean situations like a guy realizing too late that he picked a fight with a bad ass and then having to retrieve pieces of himself from the ground in the aftermath. Itís just good to be back in the house that Willis, Stallone and Schwarzenegger built in the nineties. Eli gives me a few really cool instances of bad people getting their violent comeuppance.
While I sat in the theatre watching the movie and listening to Charo and Officer Frank ďPonchĒ Poncherello jabber on behind me, I started to think.
I donít think Iíll do well in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
I have my plans for a zombie holocaust, be it old-school Romero-style zombies, quick and tricky Dan OíBannon-style ghouls or rage-infected sprinters. There is a contingency for each situation. Believe me, you donít want to trust in guns. As much as youíll be afraid to, youíre going to want to get in close and use your hands.
If a global pandemic is the way weíre wiped off the face of the Earth, so be it. We had a good run. I just hope that it doesnít hurt.
If itís good old-fashioned Revelations, you might think running to church is the answer. Wrong. At the end of the world, church will be filled with fair-weather Christians and people that were converted by the sight of their heathen friends melting into the ground. Church will be ground zero for Old Testament fire bombings at the end of the world. Verboten! Youíre safer at home.
But if there is some sort of nuclear fallout situation that leads to a scorched earth and traveling bands of marauders, cannibalism, war over water, Thunderdome and Master Blaster, Iím not going to be any good at that. Letís face it. Iíll be relegated to being the fat guy in a gas mask with no shirt that stands behind the bad guy. Iíll be the first guy that the righteous hero fights to prove that heís not to be messed with. I will, inevitably, end up scrambling in the dust looking for the missing pieces that the good guy had to cut from my body to prove that we should have just let him pass.
In the weeks since Avatar cured leprosy and made the blind see, lots of people have come to the realization that thereís not much else to it beyond being really pretty. Itís like dating a modelóI mean, if you actually want to talk to the model. If looks are all you care about, then godspeed, captain.
There is also the sad fact that now, what was essentially a 3D gimmick film has made Eleventy Trajillion dollars, EVERY movie in the near future will have 3D technology forced onto it whether it matters to the story or not. James Bond is going to be 3D now. Every summer film is threatening to be in three dimensions.
If Iím forced to sit through Sex and the City 3D: Jason Lives, I swear that Iíll eat aquarium gravel until Iím dead.
But Book of Eli was interesting to look at and had a story that didnít shame and insult me.
It wonít make 68 billion space credits like Avatar, but you should see it anyway. You may just like it. Gracias.
Jímel Davidsonís stories appear each week in Birmingham Weekly. Write him at email@example.com