I was having my usual breakfast of turkey sausage and Peach Nehi when it occurred to me that it was the perfect time for another numbered list! And since it’s almost Christmas and I’m somewhat of a genius, I decided to base this list on the twelve days of Christmas! We are, all of us, so very clever! Don’t worry, I’ll make this quick—I know you still have some last minute shopping to do. I’m sure your shopping isn’t for me, though, so I really don’t care. Selfish.
12. Twelve Inches of Snow—Most people have the idea that Christmas just isn’t Christmas without snow. Well, I tend to agree with them— as long as they’re talking about the Canadian dance-hall stylings of Snow, the best white reggae artist to ever release a cassette.
11. Eleven Seasons of The Simpsons—Let’s face it, people. If you truly are a Simpsons fan that’s been with the show since the very beginning, then you know that there are only 7 really good years of the show. If you are a person that watches and loves The Simpsons, and you quote them regularly, I guarantee you’re not dropping your clever references from the eighth “Lisa sees what the future will look like” episode from season 17. I’m including seasons one and two for nostalgia’s sake and seasons ten and eleven to even out the list.
10. Ten Minutes Without Seeing that Damn Asthma Fish Flopping Around—I mean, seriously! I get it, asthma is a terrible thing to have to deal with but why is there a commercial for it? If you have asthma, don’t you know before that kid informs you about it and tells you to go to the “hostipal”? Why asthma? Why is this particular, non-contagious disease suddenly being drummed into my brain at every single commercial break? My bet is that somewhere, a rich white guy got winded one day and decided that the world needed to know how terrible it was! You think I’m making this into more than I should? I swear to you as I’m writing this, that damn fish commercial just aired 4 time—IN A ROW.
9. June 9 is My Birthday—I don’t want a parade, because parades are stupid. I don’t want you to celebrate it like Christmas and exchange gifts. Nothing like that. But, if you are a sexy top heavy lady with wide hips and a sense of sexual adventure, mark the 9th on your calendar and call a brother when it rolls around. That’s the best gift you could give me.
8. Eight Pictures of Your Cat—Look, I know your cat is your baby and it thinks it’s people and it’s smarter than all the other cats and “it can haz cheezburger” and all of that insane shit. Good for you. But whatever possessed you to try and use eight pictures of your cat instead of one good picture of yourself on the internet dating site is probably the same reason that you have to use an internet dating site to begin with. Stop it!
7. Hitler Shows, 24/7—Hitler was an ass and I’m sure he smelled funny, but I’m a nut for History Channel and Military Channel shows about WWII and the German army and how they tried to use the occult mixed with science to win the war and how we bombed the shit out of them for their efforts. You’re welcome, France. YOU’RE WELCOME.
6. An End to Tyler Perry—Look, I’m no hater unless hating is necessary, and I hate the stereotypical, lowest common denominator output of Tyler Perry. The “movies” he makes are no more a portrait of black life than Charlie Chan is an example of real Chinese detectives. The fact that this new millennium minstrel show has made him rich tells me two things: one, perhaps I take too much pride in what I let into my brain. And two, perhaps I need to start dressing like an old black woman if I’m ever going to be taken seriously as an entertainer.
5. Denny’s!—15 or so years ago, the first meal my best friend and I had together was at Denny’s. It became sort of a tradition for the two of us to goof off at all hours of the night and then end the adventure with a trip to Denny’s. But now all the southern Denny’s are gone with no explanation. I called the home office once to ask why and they simply said “We had to close it, J’Mel. We destroy everything you love...”
4. Stop canceling the shows I love—I mean, I know I give Glee a hard time for not using its power to actually innovate or entertain. But am I being punished by having every show I’d rather watch canceled? Rest in peace, Good Guys, Terriers, Running Wilde and House of Buggin’. You’ll be missed...
3. Merry Christmas!—Yeah, I said it. Merry Christmas. If you would rather say “Happy Holidays”, fine. I don’t care. I say “Merry Christmas” because I celebrate Christmas. If you find this offensive, you shouldn’t. I’m not threatening you or trying to convert you, I’m simply wishing. It’s a suggestion, not a threat. Get over it and open up your damned presents, why don’t you!?
2. Numbered lists—Will they end as a substitute to real journalism? I don’t know. But Starship Troopers just came on and my sister made nachos, so I’m gonna go take care of some business. I’ll leave you to come up with your own #1 and let me know. Merry Christmas, my pretty J’Miggas. Keep it real until next time!
J’Mel Davidson is the founder of a local improv comedy troupe called The Feminist Debutante Guild. You can send him the l ove—or your top-ten favorite things about him—via firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.