I’m writing this mere hours before I go vote for mayor. Again. I mean, seriously, how many mayoral elections are we going to have? The reign of Miss Alabama lasts longer than a mayoral term in this city. I’ve seen chili cook-off winners who have more staying power. If you’re reading this and you’re new to Birmingham’s race for mayor, you might be confused. Well, with the exception of living in Savannah, Ga. from 1993 to 1998, I’ve lived in Birmingham all my life and I still get confused. In fact, I didn’t even know there was an election until two weeks ago. Maybe I’m not keeping myself involved enough in local politics. My bad, I really should be more aware. I’m trying, honest.

Here’s the thing. Ex-mayor Larry Langford was ousted because of some seemingly shady deals. He served about two years before being incarcerated, so that left two years in his four year term. We had an election to see who would serve out the last two, and along came current mayor William Bell. Now we’re having another election and whoever wins will be mayor for two years until the next election in 2013, which will be a real, honest to goodness, old-fashioned four-year-term election for mayor of the city. No take backs!

Since you’re reading this after the election, you and I probably know who won, unless there’s a recount or run-off election, or Larry Langford escapes and lights the ballot boxes on fire. The outcome is up to you, the voter, and soon, if not now, we’ll all know how the majority of you voted. Who’d you vote for? You can tell me. Not talking, huh? Well, I’m not going to be one of those coy voters who cringe and get offended when you ask them who they voted for. Why do we get so sensitive when people ask that simple question? No one’s asking what sexual position you and your spouse prefer. No one’s asking for your pin number. No one’s asking why you rush home to make sure you don’t miss Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. If you want to tell me how you and your wife dig doggy-style and that your pin is your high school locker combination, that’s fine with me. I don’t want the answer to the third. Please keep that kind of personal information to yourself.

I’ll tell you who I voted for, loud and proud, and I don’t care who knows. Me, dammit! I voted for me. Yes, I exercised my right to throw away my vote and scribble in a write-in candidate’s name, and that name was mine. No, my name isn’t mine. It’s Chris Davis. Don’t be ridiculous. Speaking of names, here are the candidates who were running. Kamau Afrika, Patricia Bell, William Bell, T.C. Cannon, Willis H. ‘Mickey Mouse’ Buddy Hendrix, and Harry ‘Traveling Shoes’ Turner, Jr. Aside from being an activist and real-estate investor, I don’t know too much about Mr. Afrika. Patricia Bell (no relation to William) is an early-child-care provider. T.C. is known for owning T.C.’s well-know local bar. The last two, respectfully are a lawyer and an activist concerned with education.

The incumbent, William Bell is expected to be re-elected and remain in office. Unless the majority of the city decided to throw their vote away on me like I did. If so, please address me as His Excellency Lord Mayor Christopher Davis of Birmingham. Man, that’s going to look awesome on my business cards and embroidered towels! Despite being delusional, I’m realistic enough to know Papa Bell is going to win. I’ve researched what info I could find on the other candidates and they all seem to have a love for this city and want it to go in the right direction. But voters don’t care about your good intentions. They want some pizzaz! Some hutzpah! Or as Michele Bachman pronounces it, “choots-pa”. She’s adorable. Like an ill-informed kitten. But I digress. The people are looking for something to sink their teeth into besides substance. This brings me to the last two candidates, Willis H. ‘Mickey Mouse’ Buddy Hendrix, and Harry ‘Traveling Shoes’ Turner, Jr. Word to the wise, fellas. You may want to drop the nick names. No one would have voted for Bill ‘Razor Back’ Clinton, George ‘Don’t Mess With Texas’ Bush, or Barack “Half Soup and Sandwich” Obama. Although if presidential hopeful Rick Perry were called Rick ‘Yosemite Sam’ Perry, would anyone notice?

When I’m crowned mayor, you’ll see that pizazz and hutzpah that I mentioned! A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage! A free range, organically fed, hormone free chicken. Oh and that pot, it’s made of recycled aluminum. The car is a hybrid  that runs on bio-diesel fuel and the garage is built from reclaimed building materials, sustainable wood and there’s a solar panel on top. I’m so going to rock as your mayor! And don’t worry about scandals being revealed two years into my term. I’m going to reveal them right now. So let’s get these out of the way.

SEX SCANDAL: Yes, it’s true. I once had a homosexual experience. While in college I had sex with a lesbian. That counts right?

FINANCIAL SCANDAL: During a campaign stop at a locally owned gas station, I abused the take-a-penny leave-a-penny cup at the counter. I was short on change and really needed that Little Debbie snack cake! Those raisin cream pies are addictive.

DRUG SCANDAL: I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. I’ve got glaucoma. How do you know I don’t? For any further questions, please consult my primary physician, Dr. Feelgood.

There you have it. All the information needed to make an informed decision on electing me the next mayor of Birmingham. I don’t know now, but I hope you all made the right choice. People say if you don’t vote, you don’t get to complain. If you didn’t vote for me, then you really don’t get to complain. Way to go! Democracy called and said you suck. I hope you’re happy.

Long live His Excellency Lord Mayor Christopher Davis of Birmingham.

“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to chris@bhamweekly.com.

“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to chris@bhamweekly.com.