I know it has been a decade since the Auburn Tigers last went shopping for a new coach, but this is the best you guys could do? Doesn’t the Internet reach Jay Jacobs down there on The Plains? Could you not Google “Iowa State football” just once before gassing up the jet for the Corn Belt?
Gene Chizik? Seriously? Trade a coach who averages nine wins a season for one on a 10-game losing streak? Three wins in 2007, two wins in 2008 in Ames, which is by no stretch a football factory, but nonetheless a team that has played in five bowl games since 2000. A decent coach could have won more than two football games in the Big 12 North, especially when they didn’t have to play the likes of Texas, Texas Tech or Oklahoma.
Geez, Auburn, how many mistakes can you cram into a two-week period of time? You fired a coach that won 85 games in ten seasons, went undefeated in a BCS conference in 2004, won five of the eight bowl games the Tigers have played in under his tenure and beat his archrival 70 percent of the time.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, you sent your athletics director into the fray with an explanation so infeasible it scrambled lie detectors spontanenously from Lee County, Ala., to Lee County, Iowa. Tommy Tuberville wasn’t fired…he resigned! If you believe that, then you’ll believe the other cockamamie yarn Jay Jacobs spun…despite Tubs’ resignation, Auburn decided to pay him his $5 million buyout just for the hell of it.
Yeah, and Bobby Lowder tosses shiny dimes to the poor ragamuffins chasing after the ice wagon.
So now what? You fired a legendary head coach. You told us money was no object? Certainly you must have had a big name lined up to take the job?
Texas Tech Coach Mike Leach reportedly told a friend that he would crawl from Lubbock to Auburn for a shot at the job. He only went 11-1 in the Big 12 South, beat No. 1 ranked Texas and managed to recruit players like Mike Crabtree and Graham Harrell to the middle of the Texas desert. What’s that you say? Runs the spread? The hell with him.
Buffalo Coach Turner Gill was reportedly waiting by the phone for an offer. All he’s ever done was take arguably the most pathetic football organization in the history of the NCAA – the Buffalo Bulls – and earn them their first bowl invite since 1958. How inconsequential are the Bulls? When you Google “Buffalo Bulls,” Google shoots back: “…really?” He would have been the first African-American head football coach at Auburn, a feat worthy of a new exhibit over at the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute. All the bad publicity surrounding the firing of Tommy Tuberville would have completely vanished like steam in the sky. But wait, what’s that you say? He doesn’t have any SEC connections? Well, who else you got?
How about Florida State’s “coach-in-waiting,” Jimbo Fisher? Get him out of that buyout in Tallahassee and you accomplish three monumental goals. First, this “coach-in-waiting” foolishness flies out the door for good. Second, you snag a brilliant offensive mind to counterbalance a decade of defense-dominated coaching. Third, you bring into the fold a man who was once employed by Public Enemy No. 1, Nick Saban. This guy knows things about the Nicktator that even the Nicktator don’t know. Sure would be nice to have those tidbits on file. But wait, how much is that buyout again? Wow, really? I guess money is officially an object after all.
So it’s “Chiz,” huh? Well, good luck with that. And hey, it could be a reunion of sorts in the Auburn football complex before too long. Rumor has it that Chiz was ready to bring Al Borges into the fold up in Ames to fix his Cyclones’ ailing offense. You remember firing Al Borges don’t you? In favor of the spread?
Listen hard, Auburn fans. That gleeful laughter you hear…that’s the Nicktator finding one more present under his tree. Merry Christmas.