It seemed like we were having a good enough time. I mean, I had been a perfect gentleman and the small talk was interesting enough to keep us both occupied. But soon enough, I ran into the new millennium’s perfect date killer: The iPhone.

Now, I’m no hypocrite. I’ve done my fair share of internet video forwarding. Most of them are fight scenes from bad old Indian kung-fu movies or theme songs from long forgotten cop shows. I don’t normally get involved with the more popular trends, or memes as they are now known.

Hello, Boils and Ghouls! Time again for a terrific tale of terror told in the tragic tradition! This slimy soliloquy comes at you from the vault, just in time for your old friend J’Mels favorite holiday, Halloween! So, sit back, Have some SLOP corn and a SCARY Coke and enjoy! HAHHAHAHAHA!!! (cough cough.

I saw the film Red the other day. I won't review it here, because the Weekly already employs an awesome review making guy. But seeing the film made me feel really old, not as old as the characters, b

I love Halloween. Not because of the costumes because I don’t really dress up anymore. Plus, you have to be aware of your costume all night and you can’t really chill the way you want. I need to be able to chill properly at all times.

Mortality is a real concern now. Gone are the carefree days of doing whatever, whenever, without concern to how it will affect the rest of my life. Now, every single personal choice I make ties directly into how much longer I will live. Grim? Perhaps, but real.

I was talking to my editor Sam the other day about the silliness that I’m allowed to inflict on you here in the back of the paper. He mentioned that people, you people, seem to like it when I’m ranting and raving about my crappy life and this “magic” city that we live in.

When I was young, my parents warned me of strangers that wanted nothing more than to kidnap me, toss me into a dungeon of some sort and do strange and bad things to me and my person. I’m sure your parents told you the same things: Don’t talk to strangers.

So, football has begun, school is in, I’ve had my labor day brauts. Summer is over. So what did I do? Oh not much. I mean I would love to tell you that I finally got out there to see this great country of ours—but I still haven’t been west of the mighty Mississippi.

He settled in and cradled the remote controller like a newborn. He toured the usual sweet spots: Food network offered both the dishes and figures he lusted after. Cartoon Network reminded him of his younger days—the time before responsibility. Discovery gave him parasites and jaguars.